My post last February showed my feelings on NOT breaking and just a couple days ago I did break (PTL!), and now I have different feelings totally different. Last year I saw breaking as a thing that would be make me instantly better, and as much as I hate to admit it, I thought it would make me cool. This tournament I went into it, without any expectations to break, it was like first time ever doing LD. Like first round ever. I did entertain some thoughts of me breaking, but they were simply fantasies.
Although I was shaking and barely able to form thoughts, I went and debated my octas round. I came out throughly convinced I had just been creamed. I mean, I had forgotten my flow at the table, only remembered one of his points, I couldn't discern from my judges if they were really confused or completely inthralled with my speeches, also my face was so red. I never saw it but I could tell, it was red and I was visibly nervous. I came out of the round after briefly chatting with my "opponent" (I hate that word), and talking with some friends who watched that presumed spectacle. I walk out of the round to find my friend's mother ready and waiting with a camera, she places me by a wall and snaps a shot. After that she tells me she had just spoken with my timer and I had apparently "smoked" my opponent. I couldn't and didn't believe it. My timer was confused, right? Well, the night progressed I called, texted and talked to many friends and relatives, telling them about my breaking. Then I returned to my (super sketchy) hotel room to spend the night.
I woke up, there was pain in my stomach. I thought to myself "No! How could this happen??" Anxiety brings out the worst in me, and I was definitely anxious about breaks that morning. Nonetheless I got changed and took a lot of medicine, instead of eating breakfast, I took a little lie down to calm my nerves and to let the drugs take their effect. I got to the facility and again my name was called in breaks, again I was thrown for a loop, I wasn't feeling good to start with and this didn't help. Again, I welcomed the hugs and went to my room. But I made a decision that round that I regret, no I didn't forget my flow or his arguments, I let my pain and sickness overwhelm me. I couldn't think straight, I was thinking only about the pain.
When you started reading this, I bet you didn't think this was how it was headed, but yes. I have another life lesson for you. NEVER give into pain, NEVER give into being lazy and NEVER give into making an excuse when you can really do it. I gave into my pain, I gave up my round, and let the pain surround me. I made up an excuse for that round, I was sick. I mean, I really was, it's a medical condition that I have, but if I had fully relied on God for my strength, I wouldn't have had to give in. So maybe, this isn't a totally new lesson, I still need to learn to lean on God when I need help, and I really want everyone to know this. Needless to say, I lost that round, but again I learned (or should I say re-learned) a lesson God really wants me to get.
When I look back on this tournament, I see a little sadness, but I also see hope. Depression, like pain can consume us, but I am choosing to see the hope in this, I get another chance to put this lesson to work: Regionals.
In closing, I just want to leave you with this quote from Stephen L. Carter,
"Depression is seductive: it offends and teases, frightens you and draws you in, tempting you with its promise of sweet oblivion, then overwhelming you with a nearly sexual power, squirming past your defenses, dissolving your will, invading the tired spirit so utterly that it becomes difficult to recall that you ever lived without it...or to imagine that you might live that way again. With all the guile of Satan himself, depression persuades you that its invasion was all your own idea, that you wanted it all along. It fogs the part of the brain that reasons, that knows right and wrong. It captures you with its warm, guilty, hateful pleasures, and, worst of all, it becomes familiar. All at once, you find yourself in thrall to the very thing that most terrifies you. Your work slides, your friendships slide, your marriage slides, but you scarcely notice: to be depressed is to be half in love with disaster."
