BEDA - 4

A strange feeling (one that cannot fully be described tonight, maybe I'll get a nice long explanation after BEDA) crept over me as I was finishing Till We Have Faces by C.S. Lewis. I read a part where a simple sacrifice of a pigeon happened. Right when the woman walked in the room, I knew what was going to happen, and I cringed. I felt the need to skip over the part, or give up reading it all together. My mind then flitted away to genocide, and to Rwanda and other mass murderings, these people did not value life (You could I argue, I over-value life, but is that really possible?). I don't know WHY exactly, but I thought I should write this down and I will write more on the on topic later, but I want to hear your thoughts. Do you value life? Your own or other's as well? Which do you value more? I want to hear about it in the comments!

-Sarah

BEDA Day 3

That is all I have to say.

BEDA - Day 2

Just to let you all know, this counts for Tuesday because I was busy all day and this is my "free time". I don't care that "technically" it's Wednesday.

So I have a few things to talk about. I'm in a blah mood...like my day was just not so great, then dance was pretty bad, but podcast = really fun, I don't care that I probably sucked.

So yeah, I did nothing interesting today, like seriously, I was reading my AP book (May 4th) and stuff, and working on Shakespeare Lines (Friday night!) and LD cases (April 27-29). I did dye eggs with my brother, and WE DON'T CARE EASTER WAS ON SUNDAY. We do it anyway, and you can't stop us. I need to edit/post two vlogs that have been recorded and need to be posted. So if you are subscribed to me on youtube you are probably like "What the heck? You said you wouldn't get any in for the next like two months" and I don't but I've been making them more often....oops.

Dance was sucky, I don't like my teacher, not true, I like her a lot, but not as a teacher. I mean she's only two years older than me IF THAT. She just gives in with our dance, it's like super easy and about 3/8s of us know it (myself included) and she will cut any remotely hard part to make it easier for them. Do you know how annoying that IS!? UGH

But now on to the happy ending of my night I recorded my podcast* (YAY) with Andrew. Miley Cyrus has a stalker, and I know NOTHING about entertainment, : P

Well I should head off to bed, so goodnight BEDA!

-Sarah

*Podcast can be found at podcast.extempers.net . Go check it out! (Yes Andrew, there you go, free advertising)

BEDA

Hehe, so Blog everyday in April. . . except the first 12 days! I'm starting today and WILL do it everyday. Woot. There will be a longer post after dinner. : )

A great surprise and a greater responsibility

Lets set the scene, breaks are being announced, I can't decided if I wanted to run from the room or stay where I was. What if I didn't break? What if I DID break? Before I knew it, they were announcing LD, name after name, I thought, "I didn't debate them . . . there's no way I could break". Fifteen names pass by, and I thought they were done, then the lady (who was announcing breaks and who is also my speech coach) looks down at the paper and looks up and announces the name I least expected, my own. I was totally shocked, I mean, those were my first five LD debate rounds (I had a bye R1) , and I broke? I mean, I did TP for three years prior and never broke, that was impossible. How could I have broken in LD? As these thoughts were racing through my head, I was "attacked" by hugs, congratulations and words of advice. I was astonished.

My post last February showed my feelings on NOT breaking and just a couple days ago I did break (PTL!), and now I have different feelings totally different. Last year I saw breaking as a thing that would be make me instantly better, and as much as I hate to admit it, I thought it would make me cool. This tournament I went into it, without any expectations to break, it was like first time ever doing LD. Like first round ever. I did entertain some thoughts of me breaking, but they were simply fantasies.

Although I was shaking and barely able to form thoughts, I went and debated my octas round. I came out throughly convinced I had just been creamed. I mean, I had forgotten my flow at the table, only remembered one of his points, I couldn't discern from my judges if they were really confused or completely inthralled with my speeches, also my face was so red. I never saw it but I could tell, it was red and I was visibly nervous. I came out of the round after briefly chatting with my "opponent" (I hate that word), and talking with some friends who watched that presumed spectacle. I walk out of the round to find my friend's mother ready and waiting with a camera, she places me by a wall and snaps a shot. After that she tells me she had just spoken with my timer and I had apparently "smoked" my opponent. I couldn't and didn't believe it. My timer was confused, right? Well, the night progressed I called, texted and talked to many friends and relatives, telling them about my breaking. Then I returned to my (super sketchy) hotel room to spend the night.

I woke up, there was pain in my stomach. I thought to myself "No! How could this happen??" Anxiety brings out the worst in me, and I was definitely anxious about breaks that morning. Nonetheless I got changed and took a lot of medicine, instead of eating breakfast, I took a little lie down to calm my nerves and to let the drugs take their effect. I got to the facility and again my name was called in breaks, again I was thrown for a loop, I wasn't feeling good to start with and this didn't help. Again, I welcomed the hugs and went to my room. But I made a decision that round that I regret, no I didn't forget my flow or his arguments, I let my pain and sickness overwhelm me. I couldn't think straight, I was thinking only about the pain.

When you started reading this, I bet you didn't think this was how it was headed, but yes. I have another life lesson for you. NEVER give into pain, NEVER give into being lazy and NEVER give into making an excuse when you can really do it. I gave into my pain, I gave up my round, and let the pain surround me. I made up an excuse for that round, I was sick. I mean, I really was, it's a medical condition that I have, but if I had fully relied on God for my strength, I wouldn't have had to give in. So maybe, this isn't a totally new lesson, I still need to learn to lean on God when I need help, and I really want everyone to know this. Needless to say, I lost that round, but again I learned (or should I say re-learned) a lesson God really wants me to get.

When I look back on this tournament, I see a little sadness, but I also see hope. Depression, like pain can consume us, but I am choosing to see the hope in this, I get another chance to put this lesson to work: Regionals.

In closing, I just want to leave you with this quote from Stephen L. Carter,

"Depression is seductive: it offends and teases, frightens you and draws you in, tempting you with its promise of sweet oblivion, then overwhelming you with a nearly sexual power, squirming past your defenses, dissolving your will, invading the tired spirit so utterly that it becomes difficult to recall that you ever lived without it...or to imagine that you might live that way again. With all the guile of Satan himself, depression persuades you that its invasion was all your own idea, that you wanted it all along. It fogs the part of the brain that reasons, that knows right and wrong. It captures you with its warm, guilty, hateful pleasures, and, worst of all, it becomes familiar. All at once, you find yourself in thrall to the very thing that most terrifies you. Your work slides, your friendships slide, your marriage slides, but you scarcely notice: to be depressed is to be half in love with disaster."

A little update . . .

 If you have either talked to me, or read my away messages, you know that over the past couple weeks I have been sad and confused about what has happened in my life. It's been crazy, lots of stuff has happened, good stuff and not so good stuff.  Friends moving, the end of debate season (well maybe that was a little longer than a couple weeks), fights, and many other things that were hard for me.  

Now, if I did talk to you in the past two/three weeks, I would like to say thank you!  Now many of you may be thinking "We didn't talk about anything important and it didn't really have a point . . . . ?" but I've gained something by all of my conversations lately.  It's all been helpful, a little tid bit of advice here and there, or just bringing a smile to my face, it's all greatly appreciated. 

I'm not saying it's all over, not at all, I'm still in the middle of this "battle" and don't expect it to be over too soon.  But I know that God will help me through it and never leave me nor forsake me and that you all, my friends, are all wonderfully amazing!  And I could never ask for better friends, I'm not even sure I deserve all of you marvelous people, but I know that I love all of you and thank you God for you daily.  And thus concludes my strange and disorganized post about my life currently. =P 

-Sarah

P.S. Here is two songs that I have been listening a lot lately (I can send it to you if you want me too). 

"Feels Like Tonight"

(http://youtube.com/watch?v=g8fYZbjJEkM)

and 

"I Will Lift My Eyes to You"

(http://youtube.com/watch?v=FtAjrNqEsoM)
I have to post the lyrics

God, my God, I cry out
Your beloved needs You now
God, be near, calm my fear
And take my doubt

Your kindness is what pulls me up
Your love is all that draws me in

I will lift my eyes to the Maker
Of the mountains I can’t climb
I will lift my eyes to the Calmer
Of the oceans raging wild
I will lift my eyes to the Healer
Of the hurt I hold inside
I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You

God, my God, let Mercy sing
Her melody over me
God, right here all I bring
Is all of me

(Chorus) 

‘Cause You are and You were and You will be forever
The Lover I need to save me
‘Cause You fashioned the earth and You hold it together, God

I will lift my eyes to the Maker
Of the mountains I can’t climb
I will lift my eyes to the Calmer
Of the oceans raging wild
I will lift my eyes to the Healer
Of the hurt I hold inside
I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You

God, my God, I cry out
Your beloved needs You now.
So hold me now

Philippians 4:13

I'm sure you've heard the verse "I can do all things through Christ you strengthens me." After the tournament in Florida that I attended, I started thinking about this verse.  I had thought that I had fully given the tournament to God. He would work his will at the tournament and I have no doubt that what happen was exactly what I needed. My Mom said I needed a lesson in humility and that is what God gave me. 

As I reflected on the tournament, on the rounds and my frustration with the judges, I realized, that the whole time I was expecting to break. In my mind it was clear, I would hear my name amongst those who were said to have broken. My train of thought was simple, I gave the tournament to God, I can do anything with God, and so I would break, right?  Well, after a dismaying announcement of breaks, I started really thinking about what had gone wrong.  I found nothing amiss that I could remember, I gave my speeches to God and nothing came from them. After the tournament, ballots just aided in disheartenment, the incomplete ballots and lacking RFD, left me wondering what had gone wrong. 

However it was on a few points I was wrong. I realized that this past Sunday.  I believed that I had jumped off that proverbial cliff and was holding on to the verse.  But I realized that I had merely leaned off the cliff and had grabbed on, my feet firmly planted on the fact that I could do it alone. After realizing that fact, I had a little problem with it, I hadn't done everything I could have. I was mad at myself for letting this happen. I had let down Rachel by not doing it completely. Letting myself down, I could deal with that, but letting other people down . . . that was a little bit harder. 

  

And then I realized another flaw in my seemingly full commitment to God: I wasn't doing it for Him. I looked at my motive for competing, and it wasn't Him, for awhile on Sunday I tried to convince myself that I did do it for Him. But I soon realized I wanted to break because I was expected to (well at least it seemed that way to me) and for the gratification.  Not for God at all, well yes, I did want to glorify God with the skills I would acquire, but I was not competing for God.

This was hard for me to take, I had thought this was for God, when I really did it for my own selfish reasons. But after my realization of the failure, I looked back at the verse, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" and realized, my failure of giving  the tournament to God effected me harder than the fact I didn't break.  But that verse it gives hope to the hopeless and encouragement to all who need it.  It says God will give me strength to move on from this, and as a special side-note for me has provided many lessons to learn.  Some that were a little hard for me to take. But God will help me through it, and that fact gives me hope.