Philippians 4:13

I'm sure you've heard the verse "I can do all things through Christ you strengthens me." After the tournament in Florida that I attended, I started thinking about this verse.  I had thought that I had fully given the tournament to God. He would work his will at the tournament and I have no doubt that what happen was exactly what I needed. My Mom said I needed a lesson in humility and that is what God gave me. 

As I reflected on the tournament, on the rounds and my frustration with the judges, I realized, that the whole time I was expecting to break. In my mind it was clear, I would hear my name amongst those who were said to have broken. My train of thought was simple, I gave the tournament to God, I can do anything with God, and so I would break, right?  Well, after a dismaying announcement of breaks, I started really thinking about what had gone wrong.  I found nothing amiss that I could remember, I gave my speeches to God and nothing came from them. After the tournament, ballots just aided in disheartenment, the incomplete ballots and lacking RFD, left me wondering what had gone wrong. 

However it was on a few points I was wrong. I realized that this past Sunday.  I believed that I had jumped off that proverbial cliff and was holding on to the verse.  But I realized that I had merely leaned off the cliff and had grabbed on, my feet firmly planted on the fact that I could do it alone. After realizing that fact, I had a little problem with it, I hadn't done everything I could have. I was mad at myself for letting this happen. I had let down Rachel by not doing it completely. Letting myself down, I could deal with that, but letting other people down . . . that was a little bit harder. 

  

And then I realized another flaw in my seemingly full commitment to God: I wasn't doing it for Him. I looked at my motive for competing, and it wasn't Him, for awhile on Sunday I tried to convince myself that I did do it for Him. But I soon realized I wanted to break because I was expected to (well at least it seemed that way to me) and for the gratification.  Not for God at all, well yes, I did want to glorify God with the skills I would acquire, but I was not competing for God.

This was hard for me to take, I had thought this was for God, when I really did it for my own selfish reasons. But after my realization of the failure, I looked back at the verse, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" and realized, my failure of giving  the tournament to God effected me harder than the fact I didn't break.  But that verse it gives hope to the hopeless and encouragement to all who need it.  It says God will give me strength to move on from this, and as a special side-note for me has provided many lessons to learn.  Some that were a little hard for me to take. But God will help me through it, and that fact gives me hope.